Yeah, I didn’t really stand a chance.

Synopsis

So the story of Professor Layon and the Diabolical Box starts off pretty much where we ended last time. I assume no more than a month has passed between stories. This isn’t important, I’m just giving context here.

Anyways, the Professor and Luke are sent a message from one of the Professors old friends. Said letter contains the friend’s ramblings about getting his hands on something called the Elysian Box. This box is said to kill any person who opens it. Of course the friend opened said box, and no one has heard from him since.

The Professor and Luke go to investigate, where the find their friend prone on the ground. After some additional investigation, the Professor and Luke make for an elaborate train that their old friend had a ticket to. The story gets decidedly more messed up from that point on.

Oh and of course you are solving puzzles pretty much from the get go.

Mechanics

Very little has changed, in terms of basic game mechanics. You still tap your way around the map looking for hidden Hint Coins (a currency used to buy hints to puzzles that have you flummoxed) and hidden puzzles. You have to solve puzzles to progress throughout the story, and there are points when you need to solve a certain amount of puzzles in order to progress.

There are three mini-games built in which I shall quickly go over:

• Broken Camera: Within the story you are given the task of repairing a camera. This involves finding the pieces, and then assembling them all so that everything fits within the frame of the camera. This isn’t as hard as you’d think so long as you look at it practically. The flash goes in the flash area, the plunger goes in the plunger area, and the lens goes in the lens area.Once you have built the camera, you can take photos of certain areas and have a most fun/infuriating time spotting the three differences between them. Succeeding in this usually results in being able to find yourself a hidden puzzle.
• Fat Hamster: You are given the task of getting a rather obnoxious and impressively obese hamster into shape. You are given a selection of hamster toys throughout the story which you can use to make the hamster run to. Getting him to run to enough things, lowers his weight. When you get him to a rank of 0 (in shape) he returns the favor by obnoxiously pointing out the location of hidden coins on the screens your traverse.
• Magic Tea Set: The magic tea set is given to you by an old woman after completing a set of puzzles from her. The idea of the tea set is to create 12 teas using a variety of ingredients that you pick up along your travels. But what is the point of making tea if not to share them with people?This comes to the second part of the game: helping others. Throughout the game, you will come across people who appear to be sweating. Approaching them at this point will give you a dialogue where you have to give them a tea that will meet their requirements. This can be a total pain in the ass if you screw up, because you’ll have to go back and forth to that screen until they’re sweating again so that you can have another shot.

Other than that, the game plays out pretty much identically as the previous installment. The puzzles will ask you to circle, draw lines, or input a number. Or slide things. Lets not forget the God-forsaken slider puzzles. There are enough of those to make you hate your life, I can assure you.

Oh, and yes, there are secret doors in the Bonus puzzle rooms. No I have not opened any because my girlfriend happened to save over my completed game from the first game. That means no code which means no secret doors for me. I know what’s behind them, but I’m not telling.

Words from the Wise

There isn’t really too much I can give in terms of advice. I’m not going to answer any riddles here, so if you’re looking for those, you’ll have to try somewhere else. Having said that, here are some things you can do to make your life a little easier.

• Tap everywhere. You never know where puzzles or hint coins are located. The hamster won’t show up every time, so be thorough. Beyond that, the hamster won’t point out puzzles, so you’ll have to scrounge for those yourself.
• Think hard before you answer. I can’t tell you how many times I lost points because I was impulsive with my answer. Just take a beat and think about your answer before you click that submit button.
• Don’t be afraid to use hint coins. They’re there for a reason. Sure you may want to man through it and not use any, but that doesn’t make your awesome, it wastes your time on stupid puzzles that could be solved much quicker if you just took a hint.
• Don’t feel bad about cheating. I did it, and I don’t feel bad. There are some puzzles that will blow your mind way open, and as such it will simply be beyond you to answer them. I cheated on most of the sliding puzzles, and one or two math ones. I don’t feel bad because after putting in 1000+ moves into each slider puzzle, I decided to bow out and let the Internet guide me. As for the math questions? Well when you have to make a Quadratic Equation just to figure something out? Go fuck yourself. I signed up for riddles, not math.

Overall

The writing, voice acting, and overall story was fantastically. The puzzles were, overall, enjoyable and gave my brain a workout. Having said that, slider puzzles and complex math questions can all go die in a fire. I’m aware that they’re concepts and cannot die in a physical fire. I can still wish for the concepts to die in a conceptual fire. Other than those, the rest of the puzzles were pretty solid.

The music was well done. Hell I’d go so far as to say that the music in this one was far better than the last game. The artwork was top notch, and it translated perfectly into the videos. Even the CG used in the videos was some of the best I’ve seen when blending CG and animation.

The story was odd, border-line cryptic, and had all the little details that really made the story come together. If you can take the extra time to talk to everyone in the game, you’ll get a much better understanding of what’s going on and gain a much better understanding of the depth to which the writers actually went.

All in all, it’s an enjoy able game and it’s a good way to kill 30 hours of time.

8/10

When it was originally described to me first one eyebrow was raised, and then the other. Then my face had no where to go, and so my eyebrows fluctuated back and forth. I eventually got my hands on it, and was actually surprised.

Turns out it didn’t suck!

Synopsis

You’re a spoiled Princess (Elise) with romantic notions of having an adventurer boyfriend.

Yes, this is actually a key story element. In fact, it is the catalyst for the whole damned story.

Anyways, you decide to whine to your father until he throws a huge ball and invites all of the adventurers and blue blood to the ball. There she falls for an adventurer who she thinks is the bomb digity. A humorous scene unfolds where they talk and fall madly in love, only to end up being a day dream. The reality is that the adventurer wants nothing to do with your spoiled, prissy butt, and mentions that you have no idea what it’s like out in the real world.

He then takes off, and the Princess’s mind is blown completely. So completely that she decides that she’s going to cut her hair, put on some stylish outside clothing, and go off to become an adventurer herself. The King, thinking that his daughter will surely be killed, hires the lands greatest hero, Nero. Nero’s job is to create quests around the Princess to give her the illusion that she’s adventuring. Actors are hired, and the hilarity begins.

That is until an actual enemy starts to watch the Princess, worried that she could be a threat.

Mechanics

My World, My Way have three major sections:

• The first is the over-all world map, which is sectioned off into 4 quadrants. You can only visit one at a time.
• The second is a grid system of land-tiles for each town/area. There are a collection of areas within each quadrant. Each land tile has a set amount of enemy encounters, and have their own attributes (plains vs forest vs farm field etc.).
• The third are dungeons, which are located within certain areas. The dungeons are a 3rd person 3/4 view of the Princess, and you navigate the hallways fighting monsters that you come across.

The quests work in one of two ways. Either you are collecting things (which can be found either in dungeons or by searching the land-tiles), or you are killing things (in either dungeons or land-tiles). The result is that you get a gate key or crest (or both) and away you go to the next area. Very straight-forward, and after the first few times of doing it, very boring. There are side quests which usually involve you killing a million of a certain enemy to find an item to return. The rewards are usually worth it though.

Where the game actually starts to show some true originality (other than the solid script and light humor) is in the stats available to the player:

• Speed: How fast you are (what order you will fight in battle… most of the time), and how often your attacks will hit.
• Will: How strong your magical attacks are, and how strong your magical defense is.
• Strength: How strong your attack is.
• Constitution: How high your defense is.
• HP: Your health. If this hits zero, you’re dead. Actually, not dead, but you take a penalty; half of your Money, or half of your Experience earned that day. Refresh your health by sleeping or by using a potion / elixir.
• MP: Your magic. You use these to cast magic. Refresh your magic by sleeping at an in, or consuming a magic potion.
• PP: Your Pout Points. Now this is an interesting addition. Being a spoiled princess, you can pout to get what you want. This translates into the actual world. You can use your pout points to change the terrain, make enemies weaker, find more items, gain more experience, and more. The only way to refill your pout points is to sleep at an inn. Trust me when I say that they are by far the most useful thing you can have.

Now you gain stats naturally through leveling, but unlike most games, the stat increases from your levels are minimal at best. You get most of your upgrades by eating foods at the local Inn. You will end up spending a good amount of coin on food. You won’t get far without it.

Words from the Wise

It took me a good while to play through this game (44 hours)  and so I think I am qualified to give advice on how to get through this game faster than I did.

Upgrade your stats: I cannot enforce this one enough. Upgrading your stats will make your life easier all around. concentrate on strength and defense at the start, later on add to your wisdom and speed. Speed only needs to be around 100 by the end of the game, so it’s not nearly as important as the others. everything else should be at least 130 by the time you get to the final battle. To make your life easier, I’d even try to get your strength and Will to around 150. Failing that, use the Might spell.

Upgrade your Pout Points: You will use these more often than you think, and it’s in your best interests to make sure you get this number high. I had over 300 by the end fight, which is all I ended up needing.

Fight every battle: On the tile maps, fight in every square. If you can pout for more experience and money, do it. It speeds everything up and makes fighting more worth it. I was level 69 when I got to the final map, that was 10 under the recommended. On that map, you’ll feel it. I ended up grinding my character to level 86 just to have a chance in the final fight.

Make enemies harder in dungeons: You are more likely to fight singular enemies in dungeons, and they are naturally a little higher in level than those above ground. When you are trying to upgrade your mimic buddy stronger parts, this is the best way to do it. On top of that, you get more experience and money for your effort.

Do all the side quests: You’ll get better loot and spells from the side-quests than you ever will from simply fighting through the map (the final dungeon is an exception).

Pay attention to the end of battles: You’ll end up getting a partner that can mimic enemies. The menu shows up at the end of battles randomly, and if you are blindly mashing the A button (like I was) you end up taking body parts that you really didn’t want.

Overall

It’s not as girly as you’d think. Other than being about a spoiled princess and having armor available to wear called “Princess Boots” and the like, it’s not all that girl-driven. The box art is more girl-oriented than the rest of the game.

The music was solid, the artwork was fantastic (and reminded me a lot of Professor Layton), and the graphics were about as good as you would expect for a DS. Good pixel art, and fairly decent 3D work.

As for the fun factor,  My World, My Way is fun for the first three quarters. When you get into the final area the story gets much lighter, and it feels more like a grind-fest. Hell the final battle couldn’t be any more anti-climactic if it tried. Considering how difficult that final battle was, I was a little shocked that I actually had to walk out of the dungeon myself. I was expecting a cut scene or something. When you get the final gate key, you go home, have a 5 minute conversation, and then the credits roll.

My World, My Way has absolutely no re-play value. It’ll eat away your time when you play through it the first time, but that’s about it. The writing is solid, and the humor is light, but enjoyable. You’ll smile through most of the dialogue, and you’ll even enjoy the short but sweet ending.

If you’re forced to grind for 8 hours in the final area like I was, the game will lose much of its appeal, and you’ll be wishing a painful death on the developers of the game. That’s partially my fault though. I was trying to fly through the game, and I was hoisted by my own petard.

Worth playing through once, but I expect to see a lot of used copies of this game sitting in the shelf at your local Gamestop.

6/10

I used to stay as far away from platformers as I could, given that my ability in them scored somewhere in the negatives. Every time I would try one, I’d get about 4 levels in, and then start to hate myself. It’s really not a pretty sight. Give me turn-based games and experiences points, that’s what I say!

Of course to every rule there is an exception, and Super Princess Peach is, shockingly, one of those exceptions.

Synopsis

Like all Super Mario games (and all Mario game spin-offs) the story is fairly straight-forward. Bowser has opted this time to capture Mario and Luigi in lieu of the Princess. I can only assume that he did this so that he could actually have a chance at ruling over the LSD-enabling countryside. Of course, Peach decides to step up and prove that breasts are no reason not to kick the shit out of Bowser.

Of course you have to go around correcting the entire countryside first. ‘Cause you know, that’s just how these games roll.

The game operates on the basic level-trolling principles that have worked so well in the previous incarnations, with a couple twists. On top of going through all 48 levels (40, excluding boss fights) you can also find toads, who are lost in the worlds. You can also find mini-games, music notes (which allow you to listen to songs in the game menu), and spend your money in The Shop.

That’s right, there’s only one shop. Dude much be loaded.

Mechanics

Super Princess Peach introduces a couple unique aspects to the platform-genre that really tickle my fancy. Peach, given that she is a princess, is genetically more robust than her Italian pipe-cleaner. Here’s a quick run-down of her genetic enhancements:

• Happiness: Peach gets so damned happy that she starts to float in a cyclone. An added benefit is that you can actually fly with this ability, so if you’re like me and prone to cliff jumping, you can save your ass. There are limitations to this ability such as active flying eats away at your “Flow” – Magic, to the rest of the world – and there are certain points where you will be unable to fly, forcing you to rethink your strategy.
• Sadness: Peach defies all known physical facts, and starts crying our geysers from her eyes. If you’ve ever seen a kids anime where a girl cries waterfalls, you know what this looks like. Added perks to this mode are running like a bat out of hell, and watering plants into massive vine-trees of doom. There are points in the game that require you to use this ability, and quickly.
• Anger: Channeling all those times that Peach’s father (does she even have parents?) never gave her that jewel-encrusted pony, Peach turns into the Human Tourch. She walks slowly, stomps the ground whenever she jumps (good for knocking everyone on their ass), and nothing can touch you. Stomping, like flying, eats up more magic when used. Also, fire and wood don’t mix.
• Joy: Not to be mistaken for happiness, Joy heals the Princess, so long as she doesn’t get assauted by any enemies. This mode simply transforms magic into health. Good when you are in dire need of life. This mode is automatically turned off when enemies hit you, but not when you pick up/consume them.

These abilities add to the game by providing obvious puzzle elements (fire can light lanterns, water make plants grow, wind makes smoke dissipate, etc. etc.), as well as giving the user a couple more options in dealing with situations.

I mentioned earlier the term “Flow”. Flow is, as previously stated, your magic bar. Your magical umberella can consume enemies to refill your magic bar, or you can find gems to do the same thing. This allows you to decide whether to bathe in the blood of your enemies, or just flat out consume them wholly. Morbid when you really sti and think about it.

Oh yes, did I mention you have a magical umberella? Yes apparently a little boy was transformed into a magical umberella, and through certain happenstances, landed in the hands of Princes Peach. Peach uses this umberella for a variety of things including, but not limited to: Bashing enemies, consuming enemies, floating in the air, coasting in water, and throwing things around. She really has no regard for the poor umberella, which leads me to think that Princess Peach strongly believes in the caste system.

Bitch.

Overall

Overall, it’s actually a pretty solid play through. The nice/terrible part is that after you’ve beat the game the first time through, you are given 3 new levels (per section, so 24 more levels) that you can access by defeating all of the bosses, excluding Bowser, a second time. It doesn’t matter if you’ve beaten them 100 times, once you’ve defeated Bowser, you have to go back and fight the other bosses to unlock the additional levels. In order to find everything in the game (music notes, mini games, etc) you have to play all of the original levels twice (once before and after pre-game) as well as the 24 new levels. If you add it all up, that’s a total of 119 levels of play. That’s a lot of game play for a DS game.

I mostly enjoyed this game, though I could go my entire gaming life without ever having to do another underwater mario level. I hate those levels simply because you drift, and gernally this means you drift into things that want to kill you. Also, you can’t use your abilities while under water. Keep that in mind.

It’s not overly difficult, and the learning curve is basically spelled out for you. Just take it one level at a time, and upgrade as you go along. The more Flow you have, the better off you’ll be. Other than that, just enjoy the game for what it is: A cheerful, straight-forward platforming game. No mind-bending puzzles, no cryptic under/overtones, just a smiling peach beating the hell out of the native population. A game that you can turn on, play through a 4 minute level, and then turn off. Lends itself heavily towards small bursts rather than long-haul style game play.

Cute, straight-forward, and with enough originality to give it some flare.

7/10

Don’t even get me started on the side-quest goldmine that it was. It had it’s own “Internet” that came with spam, conspiracy theories, and hackable government systems. It had a solid story line, an excellent battle system, and some decent (for the time) graphics.

Front Mission DS (which apparently is a re-release of the original) has none of these things. Well okay, not none per say, but far less than my first experience. It did manage to be just as frustrating though, so that’s something.

So when I found out that Front Mission was coming out for the DS, I nearly wet myself in anticipation. As previously stated, I had good experiences with the series, so I was all hot and bothered over the idea of a portable version that could provide me hours of entertainment on my – until recently – dormant DS. After finally playing through it, I think I can actually give an unbiased review of the game.

Well, probably can in any case.

Synopsis

Piloting Mechs – Wanzers in the Front Mission universe – the goal of the game is to work your way through increasingly difficult battles by strategically killing everything without dying. It sounds far more simple than it is.

Like every Front Mission I’ve played (3, 4, and now this version) there are two story lines in Front Mission DS. The first is for “new” players, and you are in control of one Royd Clive. Long story short, he becomes the leader of a band of mercs who work for one of two waring factions (the O.C.U.). As the game progresses, Royd realizes that past events are not all they’ve added up to be, and eventually goes on a vendetta to get his answers.

He’s a little bit of a whiner, and I had serious troubles connecting to him. The whole time it feels like he needs a good slap and to grow a pair. Yes, I’m aware that he’s part of an elite killing squad of mercs, working for the army. You can still be a sissy when you have a gun.

Anyways, his claims are verified, and you then have the uphill battle of getting to the finale in order to fight the hidden evil forces. Not that you really have to guess to hard at who’s pulling strings; the game practically forces it into your brain.

Now the second story arc, that’s a different story (see what I did there?). In this instance you play the roll of Black Ops. Seargent Kevin Greenfield. After an unfortunate pang of puppy-dog love, he’s discharged from his position, and is sent into the field as part of the U.C.S. Scout Team. As the story works its way forward, you are given additional characters – cannon fodder, as I called them – to bolster your ranks. Unlike the first story, where everyone is trying to win the spotlight, the second scenario focuses directly on Kevin, and everyone else just plays a part to support him. He ends up trying to bring down a corrupt government, only to fail and be tried for treason. That’s not the end of the story, but I’ll leave it there for now.

Now this is a man I can pretend to be! He’s got character, he’s got soul, he gets some good, solid revenge in his story arc. He even loses the woman he loves (more than once). This story grabbed my by the neck and forced me to play through it, which hurt because the second story is for “advanced” players.

Basically, “advanced” players is a fancy way of saying “insane odds” and “completely irrationally difficult.” You get half as many units, and you fight twice as many. All. The. Time. One map I played had 4 of my men against no less that 16 or 17 enemy units. That requires some top-notch organization let me tell you.

Mechanics

This section could get terribly long, should I let myself ramble. I’ll try and keep my rantings to a minimum here, okay?

The stylus is useless. You can use it, but much like one can stick ones hand into an operating blender it brings forth the old adage: Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

So there’s no Internet in this version. Not something I’m terribly sad about, but the whole Net thing really added another layer to the overall story. It allowed the user to go out and find so many more tidbits of information that you could live without, but made sweeter by knowing.

The battle mechanics are far simpler than those of later versions. You don’t need to worry about the direction you’re facing, and hiding behind buildings does not provide additional cover. All cover is calculated on your dodging ability, and the tile your unit is on. Part of me loved this, and a part of me really missed it. They’ve also dropped many of the skills that you can acquire throughout the game, as well as who can learn what skill. Not everyone can actually be an effective killing machine (they make for good repair drones though).

The battles take just as long as they always did – minimum of 15 minutes, maximum of 1.5 hours – and are just as infuriating as they always were. It’s not uncommon to lose a battle without knowing why or how, but I’ve managed to distill it down to three possible reasons:

1. Your main character(s) died. Everyone else can eject just fine, but God help you should your main character have to try and eject.
2. You ran out of time. A few of the missions require you to do something along the lines of “Kill X by Y.” very straightforward.
3. Someone got away/got to a point they shouldn’t have.  A few of the missions require you to stop people from getting to certain points on the map. These are the hardest in my opinion.

The weapons system has been toned down as well as altered for this instance of the series. Rifles don’t shoot over long distances, making them effectively pointless. Shotguns only fire one shot (instead of, you know, a spread) making them almost useless. Their saving grace is that the have a 98% hit rating. Rockets can win an entire scenario if you upgrade them enough. Machine guns can win an entire scenario of you upgrade them enough. Melee weapons are in shockingly short supply.

On top of that, you don’t upgrade a proficiency in “shotgun” or “machine gun” anymore. Now you just get points in “melee” or “short.” This made the diversifying player in me weep. You no longer need specialist units; set everyone up with the exact same rig and go to town. It’s really a bit of a let down.

The virtual reality simulator doesn’t exist in the DS version, which makes upgrading your guys outside of battle an extreme chore. You’re stuck fighting in the arena, which doesn’t net you nearly enough experience to warrant it’s existence. The only reason the arena can possibly exist is because you can bet money on your pilot and win some cash. This is, sadly, a requirement for the first story. Upgrading 14 Wanzers gets bloody expensive, and you really do need to keep your parts up to snuff.

They game is not without some hope though; there are hidden missions (three to each scenario) that are actually somewhat difficult to find. They are usually the most challenging levels in the entire scenario, and usually the ones with the best payout. If you can find and complete them, you are rewarded with special Wanzer bodies that tend to be well worth the effort. If nothing else you get cash and experience for doing them.

Oh, and last but probably not least, after you defeat a scenario you can play through it again on a harder difficulty. Why would you do this? Other than bragging rights – if anybody listened – you get to start off with all of your characters having the same abilities as before. This means you can basically walk through three quarters of the game becoming even more powerful. There is also a secret mission (per scenario, I think) that you cannot access until your second play through. You can play through again and again, until you hit x10 difficulty, but why anyone would do that to themselves I have no idea. The option is there though.

Word from the Wise

I’m adding a special section here to give a couple tips to people who have decided to try their hand at Front Mission.

Choose a fighting style, and stick to it. I cannot stress this enough. You like rockets? Use them all the time and get your Long range leveled up. Eventually most of your units will learn Duel, which allows you to target body parts. Aim for the body for quick kills. Going short? give everyone machine guns and learn Speed and Duel. Those together can take down almost anything in one go.

Don’t use rifles, they’re not worth the money. It uses the “short” skill tree, but only fires one shot. I found things worked much better with a machine gun. More chances to hit, and they add up. If you simply must use a one shot weapon, wait for the shotgun; with a 98% hit ratio, it’s in your best interests to look them up.

Keep repair stuff on you. The computer has a knack for ganging up on your people, most of the time when they should be attacking others. Use this to your advantage, and keep repairing your cannon fodder for as long as you can. The longer they last, the longer your other units can go unimpeded.

Gang up on targets. Until your units learn how to kill something in one go, try and gang up effectively on units. If you can, pin them in so they’re sitting ducks. I tried to send my weaker units in packs so they could grind some experience while my one-shotters made quick work of everyone else.

Use the special Wanzers. Pick one of your pilots, and dump them into the special Wanzer models. You get most of them for completing secret missions (go look them up), and when used properly, they become killing machines. Enemies will speak shell-shocked stories to their pillows about the giant Wanzer that ripped them appart without showing a dent. They usually get picked on, so when you can make sure you have a repair buddy with them. Legends don’t make themselves you know.

Overall

It took me 20 hours to beat the first story. This was because of the upgrade/money requirements, and really took a chunk out of the whole “fun” aspect to it. It turned into grinding way too quickly. The second story was far more enjoyable and I worked through it in around 9 hours. I’m even tempted to play through the second story again.

It’s not as complex, diverse, or rewarding as other items in the series, but it did its job without too much complaint.

7/10

See the problems with my playing these sorts of games are:

• I’m no good at them.
• I lack the toned fore-arm muscle of the veteran gamer.
• I lacked a console.

Well I now have a console, so I have no excuse as to whether I could try to play them or not. Turns out I still suck at them, but that doesn’t stop me from trying. The forearm muscle is a slow process, and I’ve already given myself muscle strain resulting in a fantastic carpel tunnel attack. You just don’t feel like a man until you’ve got to ice your forearm because of extreme button mashing.

Or is it “You just can’t feel like a man when you have to ice your forearm because of extreme button mashing”?

Either way, it hasn’t stopped me from playing Castle Crashers with extreme vigor.

I am currently very in love with The Behemoth‘s Castle Crashers. It’s a game that I can pick up and put down for an hour or so at any given time. It’s got this quality about it that lets me enjoy it (whether it’s frustrating the crap out of me or not) every time I sit down to play. Maybe it’s the solidity of the game mechanics; maybe it’s the well-placed fake-outs and humor; maybe it’s the constant challenge it provides. It’s very probably because of the joy one gets from beating the hell out of various enemies with reckless abandon.

Probably all of the above.

Mechanics

So as I said, the game mechanics are pretty solid. I’ve only ever run into one issue with the game crapping out, and that was at my friends house where a cut scene didn’t activate. We have no idea how we did it, nor do we know how to recreate it. We weren’t too pleased with that fact, as we had to do the whole damned level over again.

The enemy A.I. is only so complex, and yet it still manages to take full advantage of when you’re down. It thrives on kicking you in the kidneys while you’re on the ground. Revels, one might even say. They see, to have a set pattern of having equal numbers of guys attacking you head on and magicing/arrowing your unfortunate self. It does get aggravating after a while.

Castle Crashers has a bit of an RPG element to it by including an experience bar, four stats you can add points to (Attack, Magic, Defense, Agility), and even has hidden items, weapons, and pets. A neat twist with it all is that you gain experience by landing blows on enemies, and not by killing them. It took my friend and I a while to figure out why he was exceeding me in experience despite my doubling (sometimes tripling) him in kills. This introduces an interesting quandary: Get a weapon that adds to your Physical or Magical attack, or sacrifice those stats for increased Defense (allowing more hits on bad guys).

The sweetest part about the game is that after you’ve beaten it in normal mode, you can switch to “insane” mode and play through it all again. Now I used to wonder why they dubbed it “insane,” until I started playing through it. Hard mode, as it turns out, is for sissies. Insane mode basically triples or quadruples every enemies defense, health, and damage. Believe me that we are actually stuck fighting through a certain area because my friends magic user is useless in it. We honestly can’t do enough damage fast enough to the murder-machines.

Castle Crashers also does a fine job of introducing a variety of game modes. You have your standard side-scrolling bashery, your auto-scroll dodging level, your random swimming level, and even a flying portion. They really manage to mix things up as well as making everything feel fresh. It actually tooke me a moment to realize that there are a bunch of auto-scrolling levels, because they don’t really feel like them. That’s impressive

Humour

I cannot talk too much about the humour of the game without giving away most of the gags therein. Suffice it to say that there are many times when my friend were caught laughing for far too long at a well delivered joke. The active humour aside, many of the animations within the game allow for a solid chuckle. Watching the King bounce around on his Pony while being attacked by thuggish bees is just so absurd that you can’t help but laugh.

Did I mention that you play a game of volleyball as a “boss fight?” No? Well there you are then.

Visual/Audio Appeal

Castle Crashers is, quite simply, nice to look at. Sure, it’s not some insane 3d rendered planetscape where everything looks photo-realistic. In fact it’s almost simple in its cartoony goodness. Having said that, there is obvious polish that has been added to everything. Subtly added things that just help make the presentation of the game that much better. Maybe it’s the fact that you can see a bad guys skeleton when he gets electrified, or how enemies smolder after they’ve been hit with fire. How about an enemy that throws up the horns before you fight?

I have to mention quickly that when you’re not fighting for your life, make sure you give the backgrounds a gander. They aren’t amazing in and of themselves, but they do usually contain within them more humour and added style that makes everything just that much better.

It’s the little things that really bring about a great visual experience, and this game does it in spades. Oh, and the game is HD ready. That’s an added bonus.

Now the audio in this game is something that just cannot not… not not be enjoyed. The boys over at Newgrounds (where some of The Beheamoths crew came from) have released much of the music in their Castle Crashers section if you’re interested. Much of the music loops flawlessly (there are some exceptions, sadly) and I can guarantee that at least one of the songs will get stuck in your head. The common one for me is the song that plays within the Ark.

Throw in some solid action sounds (raising undead baddies never sounded so good!), and you’ve got yourself some really solid audio to enjoy.

Replay Value

This game comes with so much potential replay value that I am tempted to use the term “oodles.” I won’t but it’s right there, in the shadows, waiting patiently. First off, You have all of the Achievements, which are standard 360 fare. Then you’ve got all of the pets to collect, All of the weapons to get (some of which require you to trade with other players online), and 20 unlockable characters. If that wasn’t enough, there are even two mini games added on:

• All you can Quaff: this game is basically an exercise in pain. You mash the X and Y buttons repeatedly trying to eat your food faster than anyone else. First to finish five plates wins!
• Arena: It seems to play the first arena in offline mode, and I can only assume that online mode yields a “to the death” mode with the players.

On top of all that is the fact that you can play Castle Crashers with up to three other people online making it all that much more fun. Many of the Achievements actually require you to play in online mode, which is both a good and bad thing.

Cost

Dirt cheap. I can’t recall the exact price (somewhere around 800 Microsoft Points rings a bell) but it’s utterly worth it. This game pays for itself in play time as well as over all enjoyment. Added to that are DLCs (Downloadable Content Packs) which give you access to new playable characters, weapons, and even a new pet. They currently only have one DLC out (costing 160 Points), though there are many hints as to more.

Overall

Totally and completely worth it. If you have an XBox 360 and you don’t have this game, you are basically shaming yourself. It’s cheap, it plays well, it’s funny, it’s enjoyable, and it’s got oodles of replay value. I can’t think of a reason you wouldn’t want to get it.

9/10

God damn it all to the Abyss I said “oodles.”

Having said that, with my school giving me far too much time off over the Christmas break, I managed to get my hands on a shiny new XBox 360. Granted that was a bit of a fiasco, in the end I landed me a couple of games. One of those games (obviously, I think, at this point) was LEGO Indiana Jones.

I recall my brother getting LEGO Star Wars, back when it came out. He was obsessed with it, and at the time I couldn’t really figure out why. Sure it was LEGO, which we were clinically addicted to growing up, but at the time I couldn’t see what the big deal was. Of course once I started playing LEGO Indiana Jones, my opinion has quite simply 180-ed. I’m just going to go ahead and assume that 180-ed is a term I can use.

Anyways.

First off, I’m an Indiana Jones fan. I have the movies, the old computer game, the hat, and for most of my impressionable youth Harrison Ford’s role was everything I wanted to be: Rugged, Ass-kicking, Girl-getting, but still smart. Hell he teaches at a University! The man got it all. Suffice it to say that I’m pretending about half of the 4th movie didn’t happen, and so my childhood hero is still fantastic and untarnished.

I think it’s safe for me to say that I’m going to be pretty critical of any game that is going to try and touch my memories. So how could LEGO Indiana jones possibly stand up to my childhood?

Pretty well, actually.

Now some things have to be taken into account here:

1. Each movie is broken down into 6 episodes, and so there is only so much of each movie that they can do. This results in a somewhat “Coles Notes” sort of effect. You get the overall flavour, but nuances are lost due to the constraints.
2. There is no dialogue. It’s like the ultimate mime performance. Each character has one of their signature sounds sort of dumbed down, distilled, and used as their only vocal response. Indy has a arrogant sounding grunt, girls all sound like owls (girly owls), and bad guys all sound menacing. Really straight forward.
3. Everything is made of LEGO. so a certain amount of detail has to be taken away. That isn’t to say that the scenery isn’t gorgeous, because it actually is.
4. It’s for kids. This means that some of the more blatantly violent scenes were removed (the propeller scene, the whole evil Indy heart thing, etc.) and any that aren’t removed are satirized to make them less horrible.
5. You can’t actually die. When you do, you just respawn right where you were and continue on your merry way.

Basically it’s a kids game that has something for everyone. Most of the puzzles are straightforward (with a few exceptions that had me swinging randomly at things hoping for increased clarity) which makes playing through the game a pretty linear experience. You are given some well-done cinematics at the start, middle, and end of most episodes, and it’s just difficult enough to keep you engaged. Each level takes anywhere from 30 minutes to 80 minutes to play through, depending on your skill level and attention to thoroughness. So you get a good amount of play time and enjoyment with a simple playthrough, but then there are the unlockables.

Oh the unlockables. I owe way too many headaches and my now impressive gaming arm to those damned unlockables.

Basically the unlockable extras require you to replay a level at least once to find things using characters that you couldn’t do in Story Mode. I say at least once because If you mess up, or are missing a required character during Free Play Mode, you’ll be going back again. Tack on the fact that after you get the unlockables, you still have to purchase them. This requires you to mine studs (money in the LEGO universe) until you hate yourself. On top of all that, you end up unlocking three more levels that you have to play through, all in an attempt to nail that 100% game completion.

Then you have all of the XBox Achievements, which require you to grind through such wonderful tasks as “swing across platforms with your whip 250 times” or “break 50 characters or objects using the scream and super scream ability” which is bugged. My personal favorite is “Oh it breaks the heart” which, as it turns out, you earn for breaking 20 glasses over LEGO peoples heads. Just cause I could I made sure to bust all of them over Indy’s head with Marion.

Authenticity has its places.

The other thing that irked me with the game were some of the useless mechanics that were included / weren’t tested properly. I can say with total confidence that there was not a single time when I needed to shimmy against a wall. Not once. So why give my that ability? All it does is force me to jump away from the wall, which could cause me to fall to my death.

Another issue I had was part of the learning curve that you aren’t really taught. The whole “lining up shots to hit people” thing is usually a make-or-break situation for games. And with LEGO Indy, it seems like they dropped the ball until I realized that they took all the hard stuff out of it. As long as you’re facing the right direction and close enough to bad guys, your little LEGO

hero will aim for you. Wish I had known about that at the start of the game.

And one more paragraph that I am reserving for the games A.I.. Enemies were annoyingly accurate with rockets, but other than that they were perfect. Just hard enough to challenge you, but not impossible to combat. I wish I could say the same for your companions. They never land a killing blow on anyone (forcing you to stop fighting whomever you were fighting to finish them), they seem to get caught on random objects or make insane leaps to try and catch up to you, and they get in the way since they are stupid and solid.

Having said that, the scripted portions (two person puzzle solving, etc.) was very well done and I have to give credit where it’s due. I’m also impressed with how the A.I. is smart enough in Free Play mode to switch to whatever character is required to keep up with you (Shorties come to mind).

Before I finish up I must also give credit to the sounds of the game. Though the sound of exploding LEGO people/objects/everything can get a little boring after a while, I have to give a round of applause to the music loops. They loop seamlessly, sound like the music from the movies, and really help make areas of the game feel way more engaging. The action music that kicks in during fights could have been a bit more varied, but still very well done.

So over all, I’m a fan of the game. My 100% status and having all of the achievements can attest to that. The music is solid, the “writing” as it were was very well done, and it kept me smiling the whole way through. The A.I. irritated me and somewhat clunky controls made me very angry at points (SPIRAL STAIRCASES WHY GOD WHY), but overall I enjoyed it.

7/10

It’s silly, I know, but I have a problem with brain teasers. I can’t put them down without getting really angry at myself for giving up. I will constantly think about the problem until I’ve answered it. It’s really quite unhealthy. So what do you think happens when I come across a game like Professor Layton and the Curious Village?

I lose sleep.

I will finish a puzzle, and then say to myself “just one more, it wont take long.” Next thing I know it’s 1 in the morning and I’m still feverishly solving mind-benders. I find my waking thoughts drifting back to the unsolved puzzles trying to work them out. I obsess over the words, searching for secret meanings and obtuse angles.

I love this game.

It’s one of the first games I’ve played for the DS that actually requires that you use the stylus instead of having it as a novelty. It’s direction, if a bit linear and predictable, is solid and well-written. The music and artistry throughout the game is top notch, and it even has voice acting that doesn’t suffer from Shatner syndrome or make me want to claw my ears off with rusty serving forks.

The story goes thusly: Professor Layton and his sidekick receive a letter in the mail from a duchess requesting his puzzle-solving abilities. When hey arrive, they are told that there is a golden apple hidden away somewhere in the city, along with a huge treasure store. If the Professor can find it, he’d be entitled to a cut, and thought of as a hero. Shortly after this knowledge is revealed, a murder takes place, and the Professor takes it upon himself to solve the mystery of the golden apple as well as the murder. In fact there are 10 mysteries overall that are solved by playing through the story.

Oh, did I mention that everyone in the village is obsessed with puzzles, and will prompt you to solve them with little care for whether you actually would like to or not? Yeah, that happens a lot.

My biggest problem with the game is that it’s so linear it hurts. In order for you to miss puzzles (which you can always access in the puzzle hut – don’t ask – later) all you have to do is go to every screen and talk to every person until they repeat themselves. You have to do this after every Chapter.

Actually now that I think about it, the most annoying part of the game is any of the “hidden” things, because they all require you to tap the screen like a retard, searching for that one magical pixel that will reveal unto you a coin or puzzle. It almost isn’t worth it in the end, except that you NEED coins for some puzzles simply because they are just so obtuse that logic just doesn’t really apply.

Other than that, this game is great. It’s solid from start to finish in its delivery, its novelty, its sound, and its visuals. The story is a little kiddish for me, but the exceptionally difficult puzzles (few and far between, but good God they’re there) help balance it all out. Seriously, if grade six kids can figure all these puzzles out (the script and average puzzle difficulty lands around there) they deserve a prize. I spent hours on a couple of those damned things.

I suggest picking it up and playing through it. You’ll kill time and increase brain activity by solving puzzles, you’ll be entertained, and you’ll even have some intrigue throughout the entire story. It also has a great scene involving a ferris wheel that made me laugh more than it probably should have.

8/10

The downside to the game right off the bat is that there are only four cases, unlike the original version which had five. Other than that, this game features many subtle improvements that should not be overlooked. For starters the cases featured are much longer, and in my opinion have better overall stories in comparison to the first one. I didn’t find myself agonizing over useless conversations as much in this addition to the series, though that still continues to plague the series. On top of that, this one did feature more decision points where you are literally grasping at straws as to what the hell to present to what person to progress the story. As a result, you will end up saving and reloading. A lot.

The major feature added to this game are called Psych-locks. Basically, a Phych-lock (which are introduced fairly well, given the outlandishness of the game) allow you to know when someone is lying, and provides you with a sort of mini-game where you break people down. It’s like cross-examining, but ouside of the courtroom. Fun and painful all at the same time I can assure you. The flip side to the game is that every time you screw up, your health is injured and so it forces you to be very sure of what you’re saying first.

The other feature added into this game was an HP bar of sorts. This generally makes the game harder, because there are many ways to lose your HP, but very few ways in which to gain it back (successful Psych-lock breaks, and moving onto the next day). This does add a bit of an edge to the play, because there is more at stake then before and your health does not refresh between court sessions.

The stories get a bit more out there, and I’m personally wondering how many times they can personally include Mia in the cases. Thankfully these Turnabouts were far more engaging than the first installments’, and I look forward to playing the third to see where they go with the writing. Having said that, there are grammatical and spelling errors to be found in this translation but I didn’t really notice that many, and so I personally didn’t care. This really comes down to how much of a Nazi you are for it. The characters seem a bit more animated (and violent) which helped with the grueling task of having to interrogate everyone.

Totally worth playing, and doubly so if you’re a fan of the first one. My only problem is that there really isn’t much in the ways of replay value. As a result I would say rent it, but unless you plan to do nothing but play this game, chances are you wont have enough time to do so.

Buy it and keep it on your shelf like a good book. You can always replay it way down the road when you’ve forgotten everything!

8/10

The basis of this episode is that Sam & Max receive a wonderful present – The Maimtron 9000 – That tries to murder them while reciting 80′s music lyrics. This leads to finding out that it was a gift, sent to you by Santa, who by the way is toting a Red Rider hand-held machine gun. You take off to the North Pole, and the mayhem and hilarity ensues. The writing in this episode is just as good as the others… though to be honest I can’t say that they’re been any improvement. They’ve all pretty much sustained really solid scripting from the get go.

I’m happy to say that Telltale Games (who is made up of former LucasArts employees) have done an admirable job of reviving and progressing the Sam & Max universe. The voices still aren’t the originals, but the game makes up for it by having a stunningly twisted storyline, borderline-raunchy jokes, and the same feel as the original (that is to say, totally and wonderfully screwed up). There have been numerous improvements to the environment from the first season, including new areas, upgrading of old areas, new characters, and the ability to run over Torture me Elmurs. Let’s not forget that the game delves into temporal mechanics by creating self-fulfilling paradoxes. I’m always game for those.

I did feel that this episode was a little short and a little aimless. I got stuck at one point simply because I forgot about one item. ONE. Now granted, I could have turned the hint level right up and gotten help, but I really shouldn’t have to. These points really hurt what would have otherwise been fairly solid game play.

In the end, this was a purchase I cannot possibly regret. The game had me laughing out loud at least every 5 minutes, 1 minute if you count anything to do with Pimp le Car. it’s a little aimless, but I can forgive that given the quality of the game.

7/10

PS. For the fans out there who have a touch of the engineering bug, here is a tutorial on how to make your own Sam & Max Terror Level alert sign. I don’t have the drive to build it, but it seems like a pretty straight forward tutorial. Have fun!

The premis of the game is straight-forward. You play Phoenix Wright, Rookie Defense Lawyer. There are five cases, each increasing in difficulty and length. The characters are generally one dimensional but entertaining none the less. It does provide a fair amount of satisfaction ripping witness testimony apart and making them weep like recently-kicked children.

The gameplay is fairly simple. It’s basically a point and click adventure. You go to locations, look for anything you can use as evidence, interview people, then co to court. When in court you rip apart witness testimony using your wits and any evidence you’ve collected. You will also learn to hate the Prosecution and their constant objecting to everything you say. Von Karma is the worst for this, and I wanted to reach into the game and throttle the creep. You also get the option of either clicking or saying “Take That!” “Hold it!” and “Objection!” There are so many times I wanted to yell objection where sadly, objection-ing is not an option.

Sadly the novelty of the court room wears off around the fourth case. Probably because the fourth and fifth cases take for freaking ever. And so much talking. Jesus Christ so much talking. By the end I found myself skipping more and more of the testimony just to get to the point. This leads to two other issues: The game is completely linear, and even if you know who did what, you still need to go through the process. Yes I am aware that this is how real court rooms function (loosely at least) but even still. It’s a game, and I’m not a retard. There is also a shockingly small amount of areas where you can actually lose the game. On top of that, you can’t start the next court date until you’ve finished your “investigation.” This can lead to many boring times spent wondering aimlessly within the games environment looking for that one thing you forgot.

All in all though, great fun and I look forward to playing the rest of the series. It’s worth picking up if only for the fun of yelling “Objection!” really loud.

8/10