Anyways, back in March, I was given a fantastic opportunity to visit Japan via a friend of mine. Given that it was a trip to frikkin’ Japan, I couldn’t possibly have said no. Had I known how long the flight was actually going to feel, I might have reconsidered. Going there took somewhere around 18 hours and coming back took almost 24. There’s nothing quite like an 8 hour layover to make you consider killing yourself and/or those around you.

Thankfully the Detroit International Airport has a fantastic massage parlor. Best 30 dollars I have ever spent.

I will also apologize in advance for the load of this page. I’ve got a bunch of photos in this one, so if it takes a while to load… well you’ll have to wait i guess! I’m going to note the numbers of the photos from my flickr just so you can sort of follow along.

In case you are too lazy to visit my flickr set, you can jump to the end of the post, where I have a lovely flash dohickey that will rotate through all of my photos.

For those of you taking breaks between reads for this massive monster post, here’s a quick table of contents for you:

• Getting There (Day One)
• First Impressions: Tokyo (Day Two)
• Day Three (Technically)
• Day Four
• Day Five
• Day Six
• Day Seven
• Day Eight
• In the End
• Photos!

Getting There (Day One)

I didn’t really sleep the night before (I think I slept around 2 hours, and that was a toss-and-turn affair) and by 6 a.m. we were at the Toronto Pearson airport, and by 9 a.m. we were on our way to Detroit, where we were given a lovely 2 hour stop over. To Detroit’s credit, the airport is pretty nice. The area we were in was basically a very, very long tunnel with shops and terminals [ photos 1,2 ]. We ended up sitting around until our next flight, which would bring us straight to Tokyo.

13 hours on a plane is, quite simply, too damned long to be on a plane. I took a couple of interesting photos of Siberia and the ends of the world, which you can find on my flickr album [ photos 3-6 ]. I honestly ran out of things to do while on that flight. I studied a bit of my Japanese (a side project that I’ve been neglecting recently), I played through half of Apollo Justice, and watched a movie or thirty. I had painful cabin fever, and ended up spending a lot of my time just walking around the plane.

To those of you out there that can sleep sitting up, on a plane, or even when uncomfortable: I hate you. I cannot sleep in any of those situations, and so I was up for roughly 40 hours (with a 2 hour pseudo nap) when we finally landed [ photo 7 ].

Another weird thing to get used to: You pretty much lose a day when you fly to Japan. You gain a day when flying back. It sounds simple, but trust me when I say that You will be confused when you get there. Everyone at home is 14 hours behind you. Keep that in mind when you think it’s a good idea to call at 4 in the afternoon Japan Time.

Also, I became sick the day we were leaving (of course) and so as we toured Japan, I ended up wearing a face mask for a better part of the trip.

First Impressions: Tokyo (Day Two)

So when we landed we met Yoshi, our guide for the next week, and were escorted to a bus [ photos 8,9 ]. We drove from the airport directly to our hotel which was located in the Shinjuku Business-ish district. I wish to God I had taken photos of the hotel we stayed at because, frankly, it was fucking awesome. Brand new, and each room was basically a small apartment. Kitchen suite, sliding HD T.V. love seat, and a sweet shower.

I was so enamored with the place that I almost didn’t open my luggage to change. Then I tried and found out that I had lost the key to my luggage. I figured I’d left them in Canada, which was epically  stupid of me. Long story short: after being awake for 40+ hours, there I am 8 p.m. Japan time swinging the largest crowbar I’ve ever held trying to hit a lock that is roughly 1/2 an inch wide. In the end I had to buy new luggage, which set me back roughly 160 Canadian.

Turns out the keys were in my wallet the whole time. I had to laugh when I found them. Then I cried.

Anyways we were taken out for some sort of deep-fried wonder dinner, and then let go to pass out for the night.

Oh and every workplace that requires a uniform basically requires that said uniform be made from polyester. This is so the uniforms can be utterly seamless, unnaturally bright, and shaped in some sort of space-aged Doctor Who style fashion. Spotless and perfect. Freaked me right out.

Day Three (Technically)

When I awoke (at 5:30 Japan Time) Sir and I opted to go walk about once the sun was up and see what was around.We were greeted with sketchy bar streets [ photo 10 ], a sort of micro-shrine [ photos 11-13 ], a Seven Eleven (which are frigging huge in Japan, apparently), and some of the business district which featured some very unique building designs [ photos 14,15 ]. I’d like to point out now that unique building designs is the norm in Japan. We suck architecturally compared to Japan.

After exploring the near surroundings, we were politely shoved onto the tour bus, and off we went to explore Tokyo.

I’m going to make an aside right now, and note that our bus drivers were artists with their bus. They weren’t driving those buses, they were one with them. They could feel the road. When the bus turned, it was by their divine will. The road was their bitch, and their bus their mighty stead. They did things with buses that we didn’t know you could do with buses. They were making turns in busses at speeds that I wouldn’t have done with my Yaris.

Meiji Shrine

Our first stop was to the unrealistically picturesque Meiji Shrine. Words really fail to truly describe just how pretty this place was. There was no garbage, everything was green, the sun was shining, and it was quiet [ photos 16-23, 26-29, 31, 33, 34 ]. Despite being sick and sleep-deprived [ photo 30 ].

While we were there, we got to witness a traditional Wedding Procession [ photos 24,25 ], and I even found where some of the wedding photos had been taken. Nothing is quite as classy as a rug and old Victorian High back chair placed outside [ photo 32 ].

East Imperial Gardens

Our next stop of the day was the very, very large Eastern Imperial Gardens. Only the eastern ones are open to the public year ’round. The rest of the Gardens are private excluding on the Emperors birthday. What the Emperor needs with that much garden, I have no idea. It was easily the size of a small town.

There was a lot of walking involved in the Eastern Gardens, but well worth the steps. Though much of the area was very open, and not as green as Meiji Shrine, it was pretty none the less [ photos 35-55 ]. The trees were all in bloom, and it was a pleasingly warm day (14 degrees? in March? I’ll take it.) In the background of photo 52, you can see the foundations for what used to be a giant watch tower. It was, apparently, frigging tall. I’m sad it’s gone, but the foundations remain, and are still very impressive.

Ueno

We were running ahead of schedule thanks to Yoshi’s amazing ability to keep us moving without being pushy, and so we took a small detour to the Ueno shopping district. Here the girls (and one boy) went nuts shopping while I went on a hunt for new luggage. I had savaged my old one getting it open (Hulk Riiiiiip).

If you’re wondering what shopping in Tokyo is like, observe the photo above [ photo 56 ]. Now remember that you’re in Tokyo, and every shopping district frigging looks like this. Packed with people, stored stuffed into any available crevice (I was actually told about a hat store that was literally a set of stairs going down. When you got to the bottom of the stairs, that was the end of the store.) The main streets offered you the big names – Lacoste, H&M, Guess, Mark Jacobs, etc. – and all of the side streets, alleys, and holes in the wall featured wares to fill in where big stores missed out.

Also, there are a lot of hat stores. The Japanese friggin’ love their headgear. Cowboy hats and flat caps were the big sellers. I was very tempted to buy some hats myself, but my funding was limited, and the hats were a bit on the costly side. I died a little inside every time I left a hat store empty-handed.

Senso-Ji

Senso-Ji is apparently the oldest temple in Tokyo [ photos 57, 58, 62-65, 72 ]. It’s also easily the busiest one we visited during our entire trip. There were people everywhere. You could barely walk through the bazaar area due to the mass of people [ photos 61,66-69, 71]. The bazaar is so busy and so popular that shops have spilled out into the streets beyond, resulting in a massive outdoor mall. I later found out that this style of shopping district is actually very common (and damned convenient). It’s literally a mall, but outside. There are roofs protecting the major routes from weather, and roads that run across them at set intervals. These intervals make for great signage possibilities [ photo 70 ].

It was all so pretty. Reds and whites all over the place, (fake) cherry blossom branches hanging everywhere, some very stunning architecture, and everyone was just so happy to be out and about. The only drawback to coming here was one of the main gates was under massive reconstruction/restoration and we couldn’t see what we were told was a fantastic sight.

Also, I missed out on a monkey that was wondering around. To make up for it, a very old man sought me out in the crowd just to touch me. He was so damnably happy just to have met me, and he was nothing but smiles. I couldn’t even be afraid of him, he was just that happy to have seen me. I assume he went home that night and pulled out his big list of things to do in life, and crossed one off:

• stand on head for 3 days
• meet a real read-headed person (no dye jobs)
• sit on the toilet for a whole day

I was also taught how one gets a fortune at this temple. It involves a large wooden shaker of sorts, and you tumble it around for a while before tilting it on its side. A stick with a fortune number written on it slides out. You say (or in our case present) the number, and it is given to you… for a fee. I can only assume that divining the future requires you to pay off the demons that plague the layers between realities. That or it’s a cash grab. At least in my case it was a fantastic Engerishy fortune [ photo 60 ].

Tokyo Tower

After Senso-Ji, we were back on the bus, and off to our final destination of the day: Tokyo Tower.  This is one of those places that every kid who has ever watched anime ever simply has to visit. It’s a thing that you just have to do. To say that you went to Tokyo and didn’t go up the tower will get you stoned in some circles.

It wasn’t as tall as I was expecting, but it totally blew my expectations for how orange it was going to be. I knew it was orange, but it sets the bar for al things orange. If oranges hadn’t been called orange when they were first seen, they would have been called Towers or something [ photos 73, 81, 82 ].

Also, I have to take a knee with you here and say this: the Tokyo Tower mascots look like either dog penises, or condoms. I know they’re supposed to be towers, but I just don’t see it. They look like something related to having sex. Either the tool or the peripheral, but they look 18+.

Just saying.

Anyways we waited in que for about 20 minutes while the exceptionally uniformed ladies let exact amounts of people onto the multiple elevators to go up to the first observation deck. We didn’t get tickets to the second deck, because they were something like 1200 yen more per ticket. That adds up when you have roughly 30 people in your group.

So we got up to the observation tower, and the view blew my mind. It’s not something I had ever seen before, given that I’ve never been up the CN Tower (for shame, I know), and my fear of heights makes me wary of such ventures. All that aside, I have never in my life seen a horizon that was buildings [ photos 74-78 ]. In every direction, all you could see were buildings with the occasional green space sprinkled in. There was a shrine near by that was massive in size. We didn’t get to visit it but when I go back there, I’ll be sure to make a stop there.

Another thing I noticed was that all the buildings were unique. Unlike Canada, where a developer may get the chance to develop an entire area, in Japan each building looks like it was its own project. Like they found a different person to conceive each building individually. Hell, when we went to the Umeda Sky Building (later in this post) I actually saw a building with a highway running through the 8th floor.

That just isn’t shit you see here.

On our way down from the tower, we were delighted to find more Engerish [ photo 79 ], and the scariest I don’t know what the hell mascot ever [ photo 80 ]. I don’t know what it’s for, but man, does she mean business. I wouldn’t mess with her. She’s seen things. Terrible, terrible things.

We were then shooed off to a traditional Tempura Dinner, which I actually took a photo of [ photo 83 ]. It’s the only photo of any food I actually ate, which is a shame given some of the cool stuff I actually got to eat.

I have to say that all in all, I’m not really a Tempura fan. I like fish, but that was a lot of goddamned fish. They had fish in formats I couldn’t even understand. Fish Jello? This is a good idea to someone?

Oh, and we got an egg dish that looked suspiciously like an oil painting. I was not a fan of that, either.

Day Four

Day Four marked our first day outing. We got on the bus, bright and early, and head off to Hakone [photos 84,85, 87 ] . En route to Hakone, we got to see Mt. Fuji off in the distance, which was a treat [ photo 86 ]. Apparently it’s normally obscured by cloud cover, so we lucked out on seeing it on such a bright, clear day.

Hakone

Hakone is lodged somewhere in the hilly landscape that makes up a lot of Japans countryside. It is very much what I would identify as a tourist location, except that it was in no way touristy. The only way you can tell is by the fact that there was no one walking around. Seriously, the only people I saw were either waiting for the boat, selling tickets for the boat, or driving the two cars that went through town.

Having said that, Hakone, much like everywhere else we visited (excluding the downtowns of Tokyo, Kyoto, and Osaka) it was amazingly peaceful. The sun was shining, the sky was clear, and there was an arctic wind coming off of the lake. How it was so cold, I have no idea. I’m sure there are things going on with that lake that defy science. I assume the spirits have something to do with it.

I’ll take a moment here to explain that vending machines in Japan are huge, and generally have weird advertisements in them. [ photo 90 ]

Lake Ashi

We approached the dock [ photos 88,89 ], and awaited the arrival of what I thought was going to be a typical lake-based people mover. You know, something you’d see in Toronto or Vancouver. Japan doesn’t fuck around like that. Instead we got a Goddamned Pirate Ship [ photo 91].

That’s right, a pirate ship. Complete with paper mache-inspired fake crew statues [ photo 95 ]. Fun fact: the guy that took my photo with the Cap’n there, was so excited to take my photo that he let out this animalistic scream of pure joy. It took everything in me not to burst out laughing.

As we went along the lake, I couldn’t help but notice just how pretty it all was [ photos 92-94, 96-98 ]. With Fuji in the distance, the picture opportunities just made themselves. If I’d had a more elaborate camera, I would have gone stupid taking photos here.

It took us roughly 40 minutes to get across the lake (Pirates take their sweet-assed time in Japan) and along the way we came across two other ferries. One was a fellow bandit-mover, and the other looked like a prerequisite for riding was a love of champagne and savvy tuxes. Just to make Japan a little more awesome, along the ride, I saw a couple shrines that could only be accessed via boat [ photo 96 ]. Now that’s a shrine that means business.

Mount Komogateke

Mt. Komogatake is one of those mountains that doesn’t look anything like a mountain. When I think of mountains, I think of rock and cliffs and snow caps and climbing equipment. What I wasn’t expecting was greenery running all the way to the top (which is twice as high as the CN Tower). It just looked like a giant hill. Sort of like a grade 6 boy that got his growth spurt way too early. Large, but still kid-looking.

At the base of the mountain-hill was a collection of stores, that I can only assume were for the tourists (a la our group). There was also a golf course, which kind of impressed me, given the local terrain.

We were escorted past all of the shops – salivating for our Yenn like a pack of rabid dogs – to what I can only describe as a cable car station that never had a chance out of the 70′s. It screamed 1973 from every crack in it’s art-deco cement surface. It was all weird curves and… hell it just looked like the 1970s. The one at the top of the mountain looked near identical [ photo 107 ].

We got in the cable car (all 26 of us, as well as natives) and started the 12 minute accent to the top of the mountain. It was a tight group, literally. You couldn’t move in any direction without getting a backpack in the face or a forehead in your eye. I managed to take a couple photos on the way up, though they really don’t give the view any credit [ photos 99,100 ].

Here’s an interesting fact: The tops of mountains are windy. Very, very windy. And cold. Windy and Cold. We were not prepared for this in any way. No one told us these (in retrospect blatantly obvious) facts beforehand. As a result, my ears went totally numb in the 15 minutes I actually spent outside. In that time though, I got some absolutely stunning photos [ photos 101,102, 104 ]. We got the obligatory group shot [ photo 105 ], and then opted to run to the very top of the mountain and visit the tiny shrine [  photo 106]. We came all the way up here, why the hell wouldn’t we run up the muddy, dangerous flag stone steps to see the tiny shrine?

I wish I could remember the story behind the mountain shrine, but all I can recall was a something to do with a dragon that tore up the country side, felt bad, and then settled in the mountains. I’m sure my memory is wrong, but that’s all I can get my memory to pull up.

When we got back into the 70′s building we huddled around a little fire, warming our frozen brains, waiting for the cable car to arrive. When we got back down, we were given some free time to shop, eat, and enjoy the most amazing children’s ride ever [ photo 108 ]. I, as well as some of the students, ended up at a noodle house where I was presented with a very intriguing menu item [ photo 109 ]

In case you’re wondering, I did not end up selecting that specific meal. I opted for something a little less questionable.

Harajuku

After spending far too much money in the biggest gift shop I’ve ever attended, we were moved onto our bus (that somehow navigated the mountain-side and got to the shops before the pirate-ferry had even landed). We coasted along the countryside back towards the population monolith that is Tokyo.

On our way I saw an honest to God Hermit shack. How awesome is that?! I couldn’t even figure out how he got the metal up there to make the shack. Way to go creepy hermit dude. I also found my first bit of graffiti [ photo 110 ], and a dog in a stroller [ photo 111 ]. These were, until the photos were taken, only existing within a realm of theory. I later found out that dog strollers are very common, and graffiti is usually done for effect, and not hooliganism.

Anyways we were delivered almost in the middle of the Harajuku Shopping District. For those of you unaware of what Harajuku is, picture the swankiest shopping street you can. Now imagine that it’s full of alleys that also have swanky awesome stores. Now make it turn in on itself so that it becomes a pretzel of fashion.

That’s almost what Harajuku is, but more majestic [ photos 112,113, 115-117 ].

The girls (and one boy) were utterly beside themselves with joy. To hell with the electric towers (which were awesome, don’t get me wrong) here you could walk around and ogle things in windows with prices that will make your eyes bleed. It was all so pretty, and so very, very expensive.

Expensive, that is, unless you wander down the alleys. This is where the prices go down, the people count goes up, and you get to see some impressively odd stores [ photo 119 ] and and fantastic signage [ photo 118 ]. I counted no less that 5 hat stores in one alley alone, confirming my suspicion that the Japanese have a very (un?)healthy fascination with headgear.

Wandering around Harajuku, I was also introduced to the very publicly advertised Condom Cave. It’s not really a cave so much as a nook. A very,very busy nook. Standing room only sort of busy.

Oh, I also got a can of hot chocolate from a vending machine while walking around. It was warm. And it was good.

The kids piled back onto the bus, laden with bags of over-priced clothing, snacks, and general oddities (we had a kid walking around with a wooden katana and a kamikaze bandanna. We were sent off to dinner, and then more very welcome sleep. I can’t recall what we had for dinner that night, but I think it was pretty tasty.

If anyone wants to know what Tokyo looks like at night here you go [ photos 120, 121 ]:

This photo was taken around 11 P.M. in downtown Tokyo. Notice how bright it is. Tokyo has done away with things like darkness in its streets. Everything was so brightly lit, it was like being at a baseball game at night. With your shadow cast in every direction, you had nothing to fear.

We also took the subway in Tokyo to get around that night. On our way back I snapped a photo for the reserved seating [ photo 122 ]. Fairly normal looking, basically “give up your seat for any of the following: Pregnant Mother, Recent Mother with Child, the Elderly, and the Injured.” All pretty normal right? So why is it that the new mother has a much more pronounced ass? I don’t think the Japanese really thought that pictogram through.

Now remember that I was taking the subway at 11 P.M. on what I think was a Tuesday, though it could have been Wednesday. The amount of people coming out of, and going into, those trains blew my frigging mind. I’ve been on the subway in Toronto, and in London, and nothing prepared me for the mass of buisness suit-clad humanity flowing from those trains. Truly mind-bending.

Day Five

When we awoke, were were shipped onto the bus nice and early so that we could go to the train station.We were being shipped off to Kyoto for the next leg of our trip. We were introduced to the Shinkansen Bullet Train, which went at a speed of around 350… K/H or … M/H… I can’t reacall which, but it was damned fast. I also made sure to get myself a Bento box for the ride.

I was expecting pork, but got fish. The pictures were small and not very detailed. It was still fairly delicious.

Now here’s a story to demonstrate just how awesome Japan is. My friend forgot his camera on the train. we didn’t know this until after it had pulled out of the station at Kyoto. Depressed and despondent, my friend went and told the security staff what had happened. They got him to write down where he was sitting and told him that they would check at the next station.

When the train arrived at the next station (Hiroshima, I believe) the cleaning staff had a look, but could find nothing. My friend was depressed, and assumed that someone had walked off with his camera.

The train staff assured him that when the train was taken in for night cleaning, they would scour the train for his camera, in case it had been moved, or a place overlooked.

The next morning we got a call from the security office in Kyoto. They had found his camera (despite being left where it was for at least 14 hours + downtime) and it was en route, via bullet train, back to kyoto, where it would then be delivered to our hotel.

He got his camera back, completely intact, wrapped in an envelope, wrapped in bubble wrap, and wrapped in another envelope.

That just wouldn’t happen in North America (and wouldn’t, as it would later turn out).

Anyways, when we got to Kyoto station, we were escorted onto another bus that was going to take us around the surrounding area. Our first stop of the day was Nara. Along the way, Yoshi, our tiny yet fantastic guide passed around some candy for us to enjoy [ photos 123, 124 ]. Along the way there, I found a place where taxis are born [ photo 125 ]. There were so many taxis!

Oh, on the way I saw the Nintendo building. I have to say that I was a little let down. I was expecting something more than a white cube.

Nara

Nara is a town about 30-45 minutes outside of Kyoto. It’s a pretty place, and I wish I could have seen more of it while we were there. Most of our time was spend at Todai-Ji – Eastern Great Temple – which is a large temple complex with impressive grounds. It’s a tranquil location that happens to house the worlds largest wooden structure, called the Great Buddha Temple – Daibutsuden – and houses the worlds largest statue of the Buddha Vairocana.

Todai-Ji

Oh, did I mention that deer are sacred in Nara’s Deer Park (where Todai-Ji is located), and the entire grounds of Todai-Ji were overrun with deer (which happen to be protected there)? We were warned not to wave around any paper, because the deer will see it, and the deer will eat it [ photos 126, 128, 133 ].

I have to say that of all the places I visited on this trip, Nara was easily the most relaxing to me. The grounds were clean and quiet, and everything was just so peaceful. I could have spent hours wandering around the Todai-Ji grounds and not even notice the time passing. The grounds were, quite simply, stunning [ 127, 129-132 ].

The inner shrine, housing the Great Buddha Shrine, was a sight all its own. with it’s giant paving stones, it’s golden grass, and it’s fantastic architecture, it was truly something to see. [ 134-138 ]. We took yet another obligatory group shot (I actually don’t have one) and I took another photo of the elusive Yoshi [ photo 139 ]. For a little lady, she did her job amazingly well. To hell with crowds of people and busy schedules. She ruled with a dainty iron fist.

Sadly, most of my photos taken within the shrine itself didn’t turn out. For reasons I can’t understand, 90% of them were blurry. I assume Buddha is camera shy. I did manage to get a couple photos out though [ photo 140-142 ]. Somewhere out there is a photo of my going through a hole in one of the pillars of the temple. From what I was told, if you could fit through the hole, you were eligible to achieve nirvana.

I just fit through. a little wider, and I would have become very, very stuck.

Kasuga Taisha

Also located in Deer Park, the Kasuga Shrine – Kasuga Taisha – is a Shinto shrine created by the Fujiwara family. It’s been rebuilt many times over its life, and apparently has something to do with a renewal cycle. Along the pathways [ photos 143-150 ] were hundreds of stone lanterns that were kept alive via donations from people, familes, and organizations (note that some of the lanterns have papers in them).

When we went into the Shrine, I was amazed at how orange everything was. Much like the Tokyo Tower, this shrine took the colour orange and made it it’s bitch [ photos 151-154 ]. Though it was around this time that I found out about what the colour orange signifies: happiness. Apparently my hair is, in essence, happy. I have happy hair! Alliteration!

In any case the Shrine grounds were very pretty, and filled with stuff that has been standing forever, and just oozed history from their very being [ photos 155-157 ]. This day was easily the most relaxing and reflective day of the trip.

Kyoto at Night

Because if Yoshi’s inhuman ability to get us anywhere ahead of schedule, we had lots of time after dinner in which to explore. We arrived at the hotel (which was not nearly as nice as the first one, but you can’t win them all) we opted to do some wandering around and sauntered over to the Kyoto Train Station.

Bonus: [ photos 158-160 ] these are photos of the 70′s era lounge located in our hotel. Yes, those are porcelain dogs. Yes that’s white leather, and yes, it reminded us all of Scarface.

Now this might sound like a boring option, but if you ever saw the Kyoto Train Station, your jaw would drop. It’s 11 stories tall, including a finished underground area, and it’s full of stores, restaurants (oh my god the restaurants) and was an epic structure in and of itself. It had at least two health clubs in it, and I believe it has two high-end hotels attached to it.

While exploring the outside I came across something amazing:

Astro Boy! [photo 161 ] This is when I found out that Astro Boy (along with everything else done by the same studio) were created in Kyoto! Also, as we went to explore the Train station, I was greeted with some fabulous Engerish [ photos 162-164 ]. Most of the building was closed, sadly, but the restaurants were all open.

All 5 floors of them.

Did I mention that you can go onto the roof of the Kyoto Train station, and walk down to each of the restaurants via their patios? well you can [ photo 165 ]. As it works out, you can actually walk all the way down to the ground level by stairs and escalators. It was awesome. I wish something like this existed in Canada.

On our way back, we opted to stop in at the local 7-11 (seriously, they are everywhere) and see what alcohols they have. I found a rather sketchy rum [ photo 166 ] (at least I think it was rum, could have been anything) but we settled on a rum that came in a medicine bottle. It was called “Dave’s Rum” and from the taste of it, I can only assume that Dave is either an alcoholic, or has no taste buds. As we went back to the hotel, a suped-up van passed us. [ photo 167 ] Now the photo doesn’t give it credit, but I can assure you that it had a totally pink interior.

Day Six

We awoke from our tiny beds, showered in our tiny shower (my head skimmed the top of the shower if I stood up straight, Sir was far less lucky) and were shipped onto the bus to go on a whirlwind adventure through Kyoto. As we only really had one day to see most of the sweet sights, we had to get our A Game on. On our way to our first destination, we crossed a train track (which many of our kids nearly perished on. Don’t play chicken with trains people!) and I snapped a sweet photo [ photo 168 ].

I don’t think I could manage to get a photo like that here if i tried.

Fushimi Inari-taisha

Our first stop was to Fushimi Inari-taisha, a shrine to the Gods of business and if I’m not mistaken, also the Gods of Sake and rice. The first set of temples are to the latter Gods, and the temples further in are to the former. As you go in, there are pathways that lead to smaller shrines and temples, and the pathways are covered in Toriis – Gates – that are all donated by businesses.

Now this shrine held foxes as sacred, but unlike the Deer of Nara who populated the area with no sense of self-preservation, we did not see a single fox.

We wandered around the lower shrine for a while [ photos 169-180 ], before moving off to the inner shrines. A couple of us broke off from the pack to go exploring down a side pathway, and we were rewarded with a bamboo forest, and some private shrines [ photos  188-193 ].

The Inner temple was an interesting sight, lined with fortune stalls and charm stations, it really payed credit to Inari, the God of business and success. We got a couple interesting photos including some posing [ photo 187 ], some more Engerish [ photos 183, 184 ], and some just outright absurd [ photos 185, 186 ].

We traveled through the Torii-riddled pathways [ photos 181, 182, 194, 195 ] back down to the bus, and moved on to our next destination, but only after visiting the shops that lined the bottom of the shrine, and my picking up some of the best sushi I have ever tasted. I don’t have a photo of the place, but she had a wooden cash register, which I do have a photo of [ photo 213 - dont know why it's out of order ]. It blew my mind; it was almost totally made of wood. I couldn’t believe it. I don’t even know if it worked, or if she just pretended.

Either way that sushi was damned tasty.

Sanjisangen-do

Our next stop was Sanjisangen-do, which translates, quite literally to Hall With Thirty Three Spaces Between Columns, but is normally referred to as Rengeo-in, which translates to Hall of the Lotus King. Photos were not allowed to be taken within the hall itself, which is a damned shame, because it was stunning. There are roughly 1000 statues of the Kannon. My Buddhism is sketchy, so I can’t recall exactly what she was but from what I understand she had something to do about the embodiment of compassion.

If any accomplished Buddhists would like to correct me, I’d be happy to make the edit.

Anyways, upon entering, we were greeted with some pseudo-engrish [ photo 196 ], and told that we were not allowed to wear shoes within the hall. It was colder in the hall than it really should have been, and man, all those statues were so well done. They were amazingly preserved considering how old they are. The newest ones are from the 13th century, which makes them almost 800 years old, and given how good they looked, I couldn’t help but be impressed.

When we got out of the hall, I put my shoes back on and started exploring the rest of the grounds. I swear it was amazing. [ photos 197-212 ]. They had fantastic trees in full bloom, and if I’m not mistaken, some of those photos have cherry blossoms in them. We wandered around the grounds for a while before we were escorted again to visit our next location

Kinkaku-ji

Kinkaku-ji, also known as the Golden Pavilion Temple, is quite simply the most picture-esque location you can visit in Kyoto. I don’t know if you can take a bad photo in this place if you tried [ photos 214-219 ].

As you can see, the photo above was taken with a normal point and shoot, and it looks awesome (in my own, humble opinion) there were people there with lenses as long as my arm, and I’m sure viewing those photos would melt your brain. The grounds were so amazingly green, and wandering through them really does help instill you with peace, despite the fact that there are at least 800 people walking around doing the same thing.

Now from what I understand about the temple, it used to be a Shoguns residence, but was later turned into a temple by one of his sons. It’s been burnt down and rebuilt a couple times due to wars. The top two stories are covered utterly in pure gold leaf.

That’s right, this house was painted in gold. How many people could say that in this day and age?

As you wander around, there are donation shrines that you are supposed to try and throw money into, like a mystical version of a carny game. The only prize is a private blessing by the higher powers. sadly my only attempt bounded off of the side of the bowl, so no lucky blessing for me. I was still rather impressed that I managed to aim that well.

Trust me when I say that I have terrible, terrible aim.

On the way out I managed to snap a photo of a sign telling us that we may not return [ photo 220 ]. I’m sure that’s not what they meant, but it was still rather funny.

Once we were done being wowed by the serene ostentatious-ness of Shoguns past, we piled back into the bus for our next stop, which was something I was looking forward to way more than any straight guy really should.

Kyoto Textile Centre

We arrived at a very normal-looking building, and escorted inside. At first glance, it seemed like a typical office building. Typical, that is, until we rounded the corner and were presented with a fashion catwalk.

Heading up the stairs, we were then presented with as many silk items as you can imagine, and then tripled. Silk shirts, silk ties, silk kimonos, silk fans, silk silk, silk frikkin’ everything. In retrospect I wish I had dropped the extra coin to get myself a tie or two, because the detailing in them was amazing.

What was even more amazing is that they had looms there. They were making the fabric and clothing right in front of us. Tiny, aged Asian women hunched over a table and cloth, wielding their tools, creating art from the fabric. I honestly could have sat there watching them forever, but there was some shopping to be done, and a fashion show to witness.

I picked up a silk kimono for Theresa, a deep purple one featuring Cranes in flight, and winced as I handed over most of my remaining money. At the very least she now has a fabulous kimono. Now all she needs is an excuse to wear it.

Anyways, with a dimming of the lights, and a sudden increase of thumping music, the fashion show was underway. I had to fight my way through a good portion of the crowds just to get the spot that I had, and I was still a good distance away from the catwalk. I wish I could have been closer, but I can assure you that it was impressive [ photos 221-230 ]. One girls kimono stood out from the rest. Easily the most exquisite the last one that came out [ photo 229 ], it was amazing. My camera couldn’t give it the credit it’s due thanks to the crazy lighting they were using.

A couple of our kids opted to ditch the show and try and find a certain martial arts supply store. They got a little lost, and so did we looking for them. Regardless of the delay, we were still way ahead of schedule. You know what that means?

More shopping.

Shopping in Kyoto

Shopping in downtown Kyoto reminded me a lot of shopping on Queen street in Toronto. Except if Queen street ran through the heart of Chinatown, and then china town was frigging huge. I explored more fantastic side streets, and walked through a department store that blew my mind.

Let me tell you something about department stores in Japan. Here we have things like The Bay, and Sears, and they are wide stores that usually have an underground and maybe a second floor. In Japan? They have an underground floor, maybe two, and then at minimum 6 floors going up. Now they may not be quite as wide, but the total shopping area for Japanese department stores dwarfs anything we have here.

Don’t even get me started on the “electric towers” they have there. It’s like Future Shop (or Best Buy, for our American counterparts) but awesome.

Now something to be said about Kyoto is that their questionable areas and their classy areas are crammed very, very close together. [ photos 231-236 ] You will notice that some of the photos feature such colourful things as the “Fetish House” and “Club Laid” but just down the street was the swanky shopping area. It was an interesting experience to say the least.

That night we had some sort of omni-omelet (Okonomiyaki) which didn’t sit all that well with me. Too many weird flavours going on for me to really enjoy. There was also a good-humoured prank that when totally arwy when the prank tool in question was thought to water. Turns out it was an oil of sorts. That didn’t go down all too well.

Kyoto at Night

Unlike Tokyo, which banishes the darkness, Kyoto seems to use it to make everything as artistic as possible. Shadows weren’t scary, but merely added to the ambiance. A group of the children, myself, and some of the other chaperons went on a night time excursion back to the shopping district, to explore some of the many, many areas that we hadn’t got to before. While the chaperons went to a bar for a drink, I went exploring with the kids.

We found a lot of very interesting things. Amongst them:

• [ photo 237 ] – This phone was found outside of a store. It’s a public-use phone, and it’s sitting on a lop-sided desk.
• [ photo 238 ] – A Koi fish the size of my thigh. We found this monster in a shrine that was located in the middle of the shopping district.
• [ photo 239 ] – A coffee shop exhibiting some fantastic Engerish.
• [ photos 240,241 ] – A collection of girls walking around in Disney-themed pajama one-pieces.
• [ photo 242 ] – A tiny dog party. All the dogs were of the same breed, and there were many more that were off camera.
• [ photo 243 ] – a giant, automated crab for a crab food joint. I later found out that this is a chain, and that all of the chains have these massive crab monsters. That made me sad.
• [ photo 244 ]  – A Company called Omnigod. apparently God didn’t just go corporate, he’s gone to the omega.

On our way back – via the Kyoto subway system – I snapped a photo of the prettiest kimono-wearing girl that I saw in my time in Kyoto. Now I’m not a pervert or a creeper, I’m just saying that that girl looked very, very pretty in her Kimono (which was also fantastic).

That’s something about Kyoto I didn’t mention before: girls and ladies in Kyoto will randomly wear their Kimono. There isn’t always ceremony behind the choice, they simply want to look pretty. I have to say that they honestly do look very pretty. Our Sunday finery just doesn’t come close to their day to day Kimonos.

Oh, interesting fact: if a woman’s kimono has long, hanging sleeves, they are not married. If they are cropped to the arm, they are married, or at the very least spoken for.

Day Seven

Osaka

We had to be up early the next day, because we had to dive into the bus and head to Osaka for the day. Now Osaka was an interesting place; with it’s off-shore airport (which we would be visiting soon) and it’s strange mix of eastern and western architecture. It was easy to pick out which building were built by what district, and it really went to show how boring Western architecture tends to be. Straight lines and box towers, oh boy. I managed to take some photos both before, and during our departure from Kyoto, though I wish more had turned out. [ photo 246, 247 ]

As we went through the city, Yoshi told us tidbits about Osaka. Sadly I can’t remember too much, as I was damned tired from having to wake up early. We hit a slight snag, as where we were originally going to park was closed off for a marathon, so we ended up having to take an impressive detour to get to our destination.

Osaka Castle

Osaka Castle [ photo 248 ] was probably the biggest let down of the trip. From the outside it looked fairly impressive, but much like everything else in Japan, it’s apparently had some fire-related issues. That is to say that it’s burnt to the ground at least three times.

That always instills you with confidence.

Now the inside of Osaka castle was pretty much a pseudo-interactive museum, which was a huge bust for me. I was expecting cool castle-related stuff, but instead I got armour behind glass cases, and miniature soldiers dieing in a miniature war. Not really my cup of tea. On that note, they would let you wear some of the stuff [ photo 249, 250 ].

The view was pretty solid, though not nearly as impressive as Tokyo Tower’s [ photo 251-253 ].

Where Osaka Castle really shines is in the grounds surrounding the castle. If they could have made that park any prettier, butterflies would have been showering down self-affirming sparkles. wonderful pathways that lead all over the place, nice and wide, and there were even mini trains that could bring you around for a small fee.

Along the way, one of the kids and I happened across an old man. This old man realized we were Canadian, and then decided to flip the fuck out in the best way possible. He got a photo with us, his smile shattering reality. He was spouting off random English phrases with such joy and effort that I swear he was starting to foam at the mouth. We were worried that he was going to have a heart attack.

Sadly because I ran into the happy man, I missed out on feeding a parrot.

With my mouth.

That’s right.

On our way back to the bus, I snapped a couple photos of the best gate ever [ photo 254 ], and the most amazing minimalist examples of bathroom signs I’ve ever seen [ photo 255, 256 ]. Simply by moving the intersection of lines, they clearly define who was to go where.

And let’s not get started on the toilets in Japan that aren’t space aged. Porcilin Holes in the ground.

Dotombori

For the afternoon, we were introduced to Dotombori [ photo 257, 262, 265, 266 ]. Dotombori is a major attraction in Osaka, and I can see why. It’s a massive, single street that runs along the Canal that shares the streets name. It’s full of bright, colourful signs, a bing-boggling array of stores, and some amazing engineering in terms of fitting that many people into that narrow of an area.

Dotombori is also where I found the next Giant Crab (there were actually two, if you walked long enough to find em). Wikipedia is telling me that these crabs are roughly 6 meters tall, which sounds about right to me. This would turn out to be the least ridiculous thing I would see in Dotombori.

We stopped at a noodle hut at the start of our adventure for lunch. I can honestly say that the place was so typically Japanese that I almost wept. A little old lady cooked everything, and the years of hard noodle labour gave her a permanent arc in her back. She was so hunched and so short that she could just walk under the counter without having to lift it. I slurped those noodles hard, and for good reason: they were fantastic.

I also had the pleasure of consuming what is noted as being “The Worlds Best Hamburger.” Now I’m a pretty big hamburger fan, and even the remote chance that I could eat the worlds best burger was too big an opportunity to pass up. I bought the 350 Yenn burger (that’s roughly 5 dollars at the time) and consumed. It tasted like lasagna. Not in a bad way, but It was by far the most unique taste experience I think I will ever have from biting into a burger.

I’ve got too many things to write them in paragraph form, so here we go:

• [ photo 258 ] – Dragon Gate, one of many, many adult arcades for people to spend their money. The lengths that these places go to entice was almost disgusting. There was one here that I didn’t take a photo of, but I can assure you they had bi-planes hanging outside of their hyper-lit shop.
• [ photo 259 ] – A noodle hut with a dragon on it that obviously suffered one too many head traumas.
• [ photo 260 ] – This is a dog in clothing. This dog just came out of a dog cafe; a place for dog owners to take their dogs and talk about dog dressing and other dog-related topics. This was not the first, nor the last dog in clothing that I would see on my trip.
• [ photo 261 ] – I don’t know what the hell this is, but it’s there, and it’s big.
• [ photos 263, 264 ] – The first and only pet shop I came across in my travels. All the animals were kept in small class boxes (as seen in the photos) and I couldn’t help but want to free them all. We were quickly told to stop taking photos. I can only imagine why.
• [ photo 267 ] – Glico Man. The giant running man is actually the logo for Glico candy, and has been around since 1935. Note the insane use of advertising space on any available surface. Now multiply that by a billion. That’s a good start on the sort of advertising saturation you’ll experience here.
• [ photo 268 ] – I assume this was an advertisement for a bottled green tea or something. I don’t know, but I wanted one of those for myself.
• [ photo 269 ] – I have nothing to say about this photo that it doesn’t say for itself. I don’t know what that store did. I doubt it knew either.

I enjoyed wandering around Dotombori immensely, and I’d love to go back again, if only to get a ride on the ferris wheel. It wasn’t operating that day, which broke my heart a little.

Umeda Sky Building Observatory

the Umeda Sky Building looks like it was built by a man who failed physics class. Two spires with various connecting hallways, and an observation deck with a giant hole in the middle [ photo 270 ].

As we ascended the tower, I couldn’t help but notice the numerous emergency stations along the walls [ photo 271 ]. Now maybe it’s just me, but I can’t help but think they look just a bit too much like Hal for my liking. I was just waiting for the elevator to stop half way up, and start talking to us in an eerily calm voice.

When we got near the top, we had to take a transparent escalator to the top [ photo 272 ]. Basically the Umeda Sky Building doesn’t give a shit about anyone who may find heights scary, and assume that if you’ve come this far, then You’ll have no problem going through a tiny transparent tube to your final destination.

When we got to the top (finally) I was shocked at how retro everything felt. The chairs, sofas, even the observation stations. It all smacked of the 70′s with such gusto that I actually sort of enjoyed it [ photo 273, 276, 278].

The view from the Sky Building was fairly impressive [ photo 275, 277, 279 280 ], but what got me the most was the highway that went through a building. Honest to got, they built a building around one of the highway turns [ photo 274 ]. I wanted to drive through that so much that it hurt. Never have I seen something of the like, and it drew my attention like a moth to the flame.

Sadly we never did drive through it, though we did get very close.

I was also introduced to the Spring Stool [ photo 281, 282, 283 ]. You could actually lean like I was in the photos and it supported your weight. Very weird feeling.

There was also a room with some neat seats that effected the projector inside, depending on the pressure of the seats. Anyways, there was a sign outside of the room [ photo 284 ] depicting what was, and was not, acceptable. Now I don’t know what a heart symbol stands for let alone a heart symbol and two people sitting on a couch.

Making out is alright? Don’t do anything on the platform? This stuff basically writes itself.

I also took a couple photos of random funny things that I found [ photos 285-287 ]. The old guard standing along out in the rain struck me as epic in a funny sad way, and then we just have some fantastic packaging.

When we got back to the hotel, we got some more alcohol (terrible, terrible rum, some wine in a can, and some Coronas), and decided to relax and enjoy our final night across the world. Of course things always lead to the immature, and things like [ photo 288 ] are inevitable.

Day Eight

This was a very sad, and a very, very long day. Most of the kids (myself included) would have been quite happy to stay in Japan forever. The catch being that we had people we missed and non-existent visas. Regardless we were piled onto the bus and shipped out to the airport located on the man-made island on the coast of Osaka. While on our travels, I took a couple photos [ photos 289, 290, 296, 297 ] of our travels, and some photos of tiny erasers [ photos 291-295 ] that Yoshi had handed out to everyone. Everyone got a unique eraser, which really shows dedication on both her part, and on part of the eraser manufacturer.

We crossed a 13 kilometer bridge to get to the airport, which was impressive on its own. Now imagine that the bridge is three layers high, and trains run on it as well.

That makes it way, way cooler.

Kansai International Airport

Osaka Airport was an interesting place. Other than having a sweet cross-breeze and feeling very new – construction on it started 22 years ago – you are also treated to ceiling art that actually moves in the breeze [ photo 299 ]. Very neat.

So here’s a funny story: One of our kids lost his passport. Well okay, “Lost” is the wrong term. He knew exactly where it was, but it was not on his person. It was laying on the bed of his hotel room back in the heart of Osaka. Yoshi was on the phone so fast you would have thought it was attached to her head. After some quick work, we had the passport en route to the airport via express taxi.

The gate closed in 40 minutes, and for 40 minutes we waited. Then we waited some more. 55 minutes of waiting, and the passport arrived. 160000 Yenn later (that’s roughly 200 dollars) we were heading towards the gate. We said our goodbyes to Yoshi [ photo 298 ], who was utterly amazing on this trip. I’d recommend her to anyone in a heart beat.

Now in North America, this would be one of those “You’re Fucked” scenarios. What do they do in Japan? They keep the gate open for you. Then they escort you through security. Then they run you, and I do mean run, to the monorail that they are holding for you. Then they have people on corners to direct you to your flight, because everyone in the fucking building knows who you are, what you look like, and where you are going.

And when we got to the gate? The original lady that helped us, who didn’t get on the monorail, is waiting at the gate to say goodbye to us.

She was absolutely amazing, and was the only one of two people to whom I actually bowed. I said thank you and gave the head nod to anyone that helped us on our trip, but this lady went well above the call of duty to make sure we got on that plane.

We had a very brief stop over in Tokyo as we took on more passengers, and then it was off to Detroit, where our souls would die a little.

Detroit International Airport

Fuck you Detroit International Airport. I hate you so very, very much. You may look pretty, and you may have a cute monorail, but no one in their right mind would want to spend 8 hours stuck in you.

That’s what happened to us. You would think that we could have just taken a bus back to Toronto, which we should have been able to. Sadly, due to scheduling retardation, we were forced to wait 8 hours for a connecting flight to Toronto that would only take an hour. We were not impressed

Some of us managed to sleep the time away [ photo 300 ], but those of us who can’t pass out anywhere – me – ended up wandering around the terminal, like lost duckings looking for their mother.

I ended up getting a massage, which felt amazing after being on a 10 hour flight. We also ate, and I killed the rest of my DS’s battery sitting around.

Some kid left their camera sitting around, and when they went back for it, it was missing. We had lost and regained very important things all week, and within the 8 hours we were in Detroit, a camera was stolen. It really makes you think about us on a societal scale, doesn’t it?

In the End

I loved it in Japan. I’d live there if I could. At the very least I’m going back there for a longer stay. I encourage any and everyone to go over there and be amazed at the richness of culture and history that you can find around every turn. My only wish is that we could have visited Hiroshima, which another tour group got to do. They were staying longer though, so it makes sense.

Photos!

And here are all of the photos from my trip. Enjoy!